Welcome!
Hello there, and thanks for checking out my blog! I am a woman in my 30s who has overcome a lot and is working towards being the best and happiest version of me. My blog will be about that journey and the obstacles I face, most of which only exist in my mind. I suffer from depression, extreme anxiety, and CPTSD. I am a huge overthinker and am always trying to understand myself, sometimes to a fault. I have huge dreams and want so badly to make them come true. But my overwhelming doubt takes over and makes it feel impossible. I have grown so much in the last few years but often find myself still falling back into the mindset of being stuck.
I don’t want just an ordinary life. I don’t know that I can accept it. When I think about that younger version of me, I get really emotional because she deserved so much better than she got. Love in my home was conditional and no matter how hard I tried at being the perfect kid, it just wasn’t enough. And now, even in my 30’s, I still struggle with that feeling. I dealt with a lot of manipulation and anger from my parents growing up. I didn’t even realize that I had been operating at a high level of anxiety and depression for most of my life. I didn’t know that things could be different. That things could be better. I only recognized my depression when it got really bad. I thought the rest of the time I was normal. I thought everyone felt the way I did. But I grew up and I got help and now I know that none of it was normal.
I get really angry sometimes when I think about how hard I’ve had to work just to get to “okay”. I get angry that I have to deal with the consequences of other people’s actions. I get angry that relationships for me feel like torture because the intrusive thoughts are deafening. I’ve grown a lot and the thoughts have decreased tremendously, but I don’t think relationships will ever be “easy” for me. Not that they ever are, but you get what I mean. I think those issues will always be playing in the background. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get rid of them completely. But I am gonna keep trying. I’m gonna keep fighting for a better and happier life because I deserved to be loved unconditionally. I deserve to be fought for and supported and I want to be that person for myself. It’s my turn to make myself a priority. It’s my turn to be happy and to a live a life worth living!